Where My Nose Begins

I’m a pretty happy person. I’d like to think I’m generally pleasant to be around, and I work in a business where I have to be happy100% of the time.

Most of the time, the inside of my head looks something like this:

Sunshine and daisies. Erm, tulips.

The last day or so, it’s looked rather more like this:

Imagine that hole slowly growing and you'll be dead on.

I spent the weekend on my own, working and taking care of the puppy while Spouse was out of town. If you didn’t already know, I wait tables to pay the bills while I’m working on this writing thing. And for some reason, the last two nights at work ended up being a couple of the most stressful and draining I’ve had in a while. I’m in the service industry — it’s my job to serve people food and beverages and make sure they have a good time. But every so often, you come across a group that seems to think it’s their job to make mine as difficult as possible. In the last couple days, I think all of those people conspired to sit in my section.

Couple that with today being the first day since Spouse left where I don’t have to work and us waking up to the neighbors blasting their repetitive, obnoxious music through our bedroom floor enough to make our pillows hum with it, and that black hole started growing.

Last night I started thinking about people and rights and the things that can make this world just a little more harmonious. It has to do with this little adage:

Your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins.

That goes for so many things, gentle viewers. My neighbors have a right to listen to music in their apartment, but that right ends where our walls begin. If their music plows through our walls and wakes us up — or keeps us up, or disturbs peace — then they don’t have that right anymore. They need to turn it down. If you live in an apartment, that’s part of the sacrifice of sharing walls with others — people can hear right through walls.

That goes for you, too. If I’m blasting my music or Zumba-ing on top of your head, you have every right to ask me respectfully to turn it down a few notches. Or to find a new spot to Zumba.

What occurred to me this weekend was this: that adage apparently doesn’t apply to servers, because I don’t have a nose.

Me and Voldemort. No noses. I suppose that's why he turned evil. Think he'd take on a Muggle as second-in-command?

I realized also that all those little courtesies we try to ingrain in children blow out the window like Voldemort’s snot when it comes to people in the service industry, so I thought I’d point them out. In quotes are things I’ve heard real parents say to their children — some of them from my mother.

1. “I don’t have five arms! I’ll have to make a second trip for that!” 

Servers, like most humanoids, do not have more than two arms and hands a piece. Which means if your server is carrying a full tray of drinks in one hand (heavy!) and a stack of side plates in the other, she will have to make a second trip to bring the waters she already promised you. Trays do not function like Hermione Granger‘s magic purse — they have a physical limit to how many drinks you can put on them, and filling those drinks takes some time. So does filling 12 waters.

Also, if your server has a stack of dirty plates in one hand and a precarious tower of empty glasses in the other, she probably cannot take your nacho tray away when you try to hand it to her. Unless you want something to fall on your head, just let it chill on the side of your table until she comes back. While restaurants often have the magical helpers called bussers or assistant wait staff, there are usually 1-2 of them for every 10-15 servers and 100 guests. Omnipresence isn’t part of the job description.

2. “Don’t holler at Mommy while she’s talking!” 

Story of my weekend. I’d be talking to a table, taking an order, and out of the corner of my eye I’d see someone frantically wagging their arms around saying, “Hi! Miss? Excuse me!” as if I were picking my nose and watching TV instead of serving a guest. It happens pretty often, but my jaw still drops when it does.

Not only is it incredibly distracting and caused me to mess up someone’s order last night (right before the kitchen closed, no less — so they got mad at me), but it’s really quite rude. I know where my tables are in their progression at any given moment, and I patrol my section more or less incessantly during a shift. If someone needs something, I’ll get to them.

When I’m standing at a table, my focus is on their needs and what I can do to make their experience better. When I come to your table, that’s my same focus — I see you. I do. All you have to do is make eye contact and I will stop by as soon as I am finished serving the table that has my attention right now.

On the subject of waving, if you must do it, just put your hand in the air like you would to answer a question in class and make eye contact with me. That’s all it takes — I’m not going to pretend you don’t exist or ignore you, but I’m also not going to do my other table a discourtesy by breaking my attention with them.

3. “You should have peed before we left!”

Okay, so I don’t have to potty train anyone on the job. But when I stop by a table and inquire politely about whether or not they need anything and if everything is satisfactory only to be ignored and have someone turn their back on me, it makes it that much worse when thirty seconds later that same person is waving at me like I’m the last lifeboat and they’re sinking in the North Atlantic while I’m talking to another table.

I understand that people are out to have conversations and enjoy the company of their parties, which is why I try to be as unobtrusive as possible — but if your drink is below 1/3 full and your server stops by, at least have the courtesy to respond to that polite inquiry. Last night I had about thirty people in my section: a table of ten, a table of six, two tables of two, a table of three, and a table of four. I can’t be everywhere at once, and you wouldn’t want to see me try.

It feels distinctly rude when someone has blatantly ignored me for fifteen minutes only to wait until I’m serving someone else to act like I’m the worst server of the year because they decided they need a new drink after all. Respect that 20-50 people depend on me for their drinks, for food, for pre-bussing their tables.

4. “It’s bedtime.”

If you go to a grocery store ten minutes before they close, you will hear announcements telling you to essentially get your stuff, pay, and get out. And I’ve never heard anyone complain about that. Same thing at pretty much any other place with a closing time — except restaurants. For some reason, managers and restaurant owners feel that it is a mortal insult to ask someone to respect the set business hours of their company.

Now, this is a sticky subject, and I’ve read many impassioned debates from both sides. I’m not saying that the second the clock strikes ten you have to be out, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect people to understand that restaurants do close and that servers are generally expected to stay until their last guests leave — which means if you walk in at two minutes to close, order one beer and an appetizer and sit nursing both for two hours, your server is probably doing nothing but waiting for you to leave for the last hour of it.

I’ve heard people say that’s their right, to sit for as long as they like, and maybe that’s true. But people have a right to do many things that still are rather inconsiderate. Servers make less than minimum wage in almost every state. It’s $3.63 in Maryland. Many of us don’t even get paychecks because it all goes to taxes. So when we have to stay for hours past closing time, we don’t really get compensated for it past whatever the guests decide to give us (which we have to share with the bussers, the bartenders, and the line expediters). Waiting two hours to get five dollars when I’m at the end of a fourteen hour day on my feet and just want to get home to my husband? Painful at best.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect guests to pay and leave the closed area within an hour of last seating. If I’m the last table somewhere, I’m very conscious of it — but maybe people just don’t realize how many people have to wait to clean, put up chairs, etc. when there are still tables remaining after close. Maybe it’s your right to stay, but once we’re closed and guests have eaten, I’d like to think my nose begins there. It goes from a time where I am being actively compensated (having many tables and the prospect of having more) to watching precious home time with my family dwindle.

All that said, here are some brief and simple ways that you, as a consumer and a guest at restaurants, can help yourself have a great experience — and stay on the good side of the people who serve you. Because let’s face it — the last people you want to mess with are the people who handle your food.

  • Use simple manners — and have your kids do the same. Please and thank you mean the world to people in my business. Especially please. Oddly, I seldom hear that word, and when I do it sounds like a freaking symphony in five letters.
  • Don’t allow your children to get into everything. Would you let them empty your sugar on the table at home? Throw chicken all over the floor? Run wild unsupervised? Sass adults? (I heard a kid call my coworker a biatch once, and the parents said NOTHING.) I didn’t think so. When I was a kid, my mom wouldn’t let me set foot in public if I couldn’t behave myself. Where that changed, I don’t know.
  • Ask for everything you need at once. I know sometimes it’s hard to get everything, but sending your server running for a water, then a side of mayo, then a ketchup, then a new cup for little Susie, then a new napkin, then another water, then a beer? Put yourself in our shoes and imagine that happening when you have five other tables who all need you too.
  • Respect closing times. If you must come in five minutes before close, order quickly, eat, pay, and either go to an open part of the building (our bar is open later, which is the case in many places) or go elsewhere within an hour of the time the restaurant closes.
  • Tip 18-20% for good service. Better yet, take that amount and add one dollar. That little dollar won’t cost you much, but it’ll make your server thrilled to see you again. When I see that someone had a check for $42.65 and left me $8.35 instead of $7.35, it literally makes my day. Last night after my night from hell, someone left me $10 on a $38 check, and I actually teared up.
  • Mind where you gesticulate and where you walk/sit. I got backhanded in the face one day carrying a full tray of drinks. Enough said. If servers are constantly saying “excuse me” to get past you, you’re probably sitting or standing somewhere directly between two service hubs, like a computer or the service area of the bar. We have to be able to get to those places.
  • Be patient.
  • Recognize that we are preparing and serving your food and drinks so that you don’t have to.
  • Simple manners. (It’s worth saying twice. I cannot count the number of times I’ve had coworkers come up and talk about a table just to remark on pleasant manners and how refreshing it is. Thank yous are great, and please remember to always say please.)

All in all, just recognize that the people in the service industry are people. We have noses that can be hit when you swing your arms. You can hurt our feelings and stress us out — and beyond that, you decide at the end of the day whether we get paid or not. Imagine your boss being rude to you, making difficult demands, making you work late, and then simply deciding not to pay you at the end of your shift. Sound like fun? That’s what we do for a living.

Some days it’s an absolute pleasure. Some days it makes me want to cry. Working in this industry on and off for a decade has made me think 6 months as a server should be required of all people. It can be a joy, a laugh-riot, and heaps of fun, but I’ve also had people behave so nastily that I wanted to throw down my apron and never come back.

Like many things in life, the little things make all the difference. Manners, empathy, and kindness go a very long way. Please.


About Emmie Mears

Saving the world from brooding, one self-actualized vampire at a time.

Posted on April 3, 2012, in life intervention, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. These are great rules. As a veteran of the service industry, I, too, have witnessed my share of bad behavior. (I’m sure we could share horror stories.)

    Another rule I would add to the list? Don’t change diapers at the table. Ever. No matter what. I don’t care if you are in a greasy spoon diner. Don’t do it. And if you do, please take the dirty diaper with you.


    Sorry you’ve had a tough week, Emmie!

    • Oh my good lord. REALLY?

      Yeah, it amazes me the things that should go without saying just…need to be said when it comes to the service industry.

      • It is as if restaurant patrons go through some sort of common-sense and manners-removal process when they walk through the doors…very scary.
        Remind me sometime to tell you about the woman who SCREAMED at me (full volume) because her free sample of coffee was not big enough. I offered to get her more and she told me she wanted me to “repeat after” her that “I, the cafe manager, am a complete incompetent.” …

  2. Well said, Emmie. It is something we should all heed, all the time, not just when we are out to have a good time. Also, I think that’s something people forget when they are going out – it’s supposed to be a good time for everyone, not just you. I’ll tip my next waiter extra big just for you.

  3. I think that most people don’t want to empathize with anyone unless it benefits them. If they were the one carrying the trays of empty dishes and running back and forth every two minutes they would bitch and moan, but when you do it’s unthinkable. Do unto those……

    And it’s not just servers, it’s EVERYWHERE. If I see a short person struggling to reach something, being 6’2″, I help them out. Or the last time I helped chase down a lost dog some bystanders asked me why I would do that? I told them that I hoped someone would do the same for me if my dog ever got loose. There just isn’t enough compassion anymore.

    Being a former cashier at a super-market, I feel for you. Especially around the holidays. All you have to do is make it as a writer and it’ll be bye-bye to rude customers! On the up-side, you’ll have plenty of material for future characters. Keep on writing and don’t let anything get you down.

  4. I waitressed for many years to put myself through school. It was such a difficult job, that sometimes, I STILL dream about waiting on tables. I agree with everything you said. The restaurant where I worked was open until 2 am. And as you know, after a 9 hour shift, a food server just wants to get home! But no, there would be people hanging out until 2:30 to 3 am. Usually the worst tippers, too.

    I feel your pain!

  5. “Ask for everything you need at once. I know sometimes it’s hard to get everything, but sending your server running for a water, then a side of mayo, then a ketchup, then a new cup for little Susie, then a new napkin, then another water, then a beer? Put yourself in our shoes and imagine that happening when you have five other tables who all need you too.”

    If the server doesn’t take any *EFFORT* into REMEMBERING it by ******WRITING IT ALL DOWN*******, don’t blame us when we tell you everything. I am so SICK of the LAZY servers out there that like you WANT THIS, then NOT WRITE IT ALL DOWN. I give a server sometimes a lists of 3-8-10 things at once which most servers are TOO LAZY TO *WRITE THEM ALL DOWN* so they CAN remember all of that.

    So if you have a problem with this, think about why that maybe it’s because A. You don’t have a pen and paper in your hand at the time & B. You aren’t SUGGESTING anything that you see such as let’s say someone needs some more napkins or refills.

    If you aren’t WRITING ANY of these things down, then HOW in the HELL can you BLAME customers for not giving you a list of things, huh? Seriously, you can’t, because they won’t think you will remember all of that if they tell you everything at once, DUHHH!

    I have had SEVERAL instances of servers forgetting things all because they were TOO LAZY to WRITE THEM ALL DOWN.

    Once, a waiter I asked for more bread, another refill, and extra napkins(ONLY 3 THINGS YOU SEE WITHOUT WRITING THEM DOWN), he FORGOT the napkins.

    Another time a waitress didn’t write things down, I asked for a box, the check, a bag, a to-go coke, the waitress for the bag.

    Another time a waitress didn’t write things down, I asked for a box, the check, a bag, and some containers for my condiments, the waitress only remembered the box, that’s it.

    Another time another waitress didn’t write things down, I asked a waitress for a box, a top for the ranch I had, and the check, she forgot the top for the ranch.

    Another time a waitress didn’t write things down(EVEN WARNED HER of that I was asking for a bunch of stuff), which I asked for a box, the check, a bag, containers for condiments, a dessert, and a to-go coke, she forgets the check. I know she couldn’t bring the dessert at the time yet, since she was at the computer to ring it up, she could have just brought it, DUHH.

    Get what I am trying to say? If you AREN’T PREPARED WITH YOUR PAD AND PEN IN YOUR HANDS WHEN YOU ASK TO WRITE IT ALL DOWN, HOW THE HELL CAN YOU EXPECT SOMEONE TO ASKS FOR A BUNCH OF THINGS HUH? Also, as I said before, you can *SUGGEST* things as well that maybe the customer is going to forget. Plus, things like napkins you shouldn’t even have to ask for that. A bag you shouldn’t have to ask for if someone asks for a box.

    “Simple manners.”

    What about how most servers don’t have manners by not apologizing when they mess up? I get more times than not servers that don’t say they are sorry no matter how nice you are about the mistake.

    “please remember to always say please.)”

    I don’t feel you should have to always say “please”, because that’s begging essentially. I do always tell the server “thank you” or even “thank you very much”, but I don’t always say please because that’s like BEGGING for what you want. I ask nicely such as “Can I have another coke” for example. I say please sometimes, but I don’t think it’s necessary to BEG for EVERY SINGLE THING you ask for. I think about the word please just like this “Please with sugar on top” always comes to mind. That’s BEGGING for what you want. You shouldn’t expect begging. We are going to be paying you, so you shouldn’t expect that unless we weren’t paying you to beg for something.

      Sounds like you are a pain in the a@@ customer.
      Also sound like you’re condescending as all fuck, which may be why your servers keep “forgetting” things. Listen to how you “lecture” in your comment. You can’t treat a server like less of a human being and then expect good service.
      And please is not begging, it’s simple manners.

      • Oop…yep, just checked out the first page of your blog…and it totally confirms my above opinion. “I could care less about my server’s opinion unless I ask for it…” Oh, my apologies, mas’er…shall I just stand in the corner and make myself small until you say I can speak? Asshat…

      • alienredqueen
        “Sounds like you are a pain in the a@@ customer.”

        Sounds like you are a LAZY ASS UNCARING BITCH.

        “Also sound like you’re condescending as all fuck, ”

        I have EVERY RIGHT to be condescending when I could do the job BETTER than they can, because I am not that LAZY like they are.

        “which may be why your servers keep “forgetting” things.”

        NO, it’s because they are **TOO LAZY ASS*** TO ********WRITE THINGS DOWN******** IDIOT!!

        “You can’t treat a server like less of a human being and then expect good service.”

        I am treating them like people, it’s them treating us like we don’t mean anything when they don’t care if they remember what we said by REFUSING to WRITE things down to *****TRY THEIR BEST TO REMEMBER WHAT WAS SAID.

        “And please is not begging, it’s simple manners.”

        Ever heard the saying “Pretty please with sugar on top?” That’s BEGGING, plain and simple.

        “Oh, my apologies, mas’er…shall I just stand in the corner and make myself small until you say I can speak? Asshat…”

        You don’t understand ASSHAT, that THE **********CUSTOMER********* RULES YOUR EVERY MOVE IF YOU EXPECT AND WANT A GOOD TIP AT THE END. WE RULE YOU, YOU DON’T RULE US IDIOT. It’s not up to you if the food is good, it’s up to *US* if it’s good or not.

  6. There’s simply no excuse for bad manners – whether it’s in a restaurant or the adjoining apartment. Good for you for venting, Emmie. Snuggle down with your adorable pets and let them give you lots of love. I like tmso’s remark and i’ll tip my next server extra big just for you too!

  7. Manners are something sorely lacking in today’s society. I used to wait tables (like many of your readers I’m sure) and it can be a thankless job. And you can never really gauge your table, because you may think you’re hitting it off really well with them, and then they’ll leave you an insultingly shitty tip, or sometimes you have a pretty unfriendly seeming guest, only to have them turn out to be a great tipper. I had a family of five order expensive steak and seafood meals, have me running around for the better part of an hour, order meals AFTER their meals to take home, and then tip me 5$ on a 150.00 tab after having flashed a pimp-sized wad of money. I wanted to run that fiver back out to them and tell them to keep it, that they needed it more than I did (not true, but gratifying nonetheless.) And people in the service industry are getting worse too. I have dealt with so many rude or ambivalent customer service people in the last two years. They don’t seem to feel the need to be polite to customers anymore…

  8. Get a hobby Springs…and an education too… It might help with your English.

  9. Kourtney Heintz

    Emmie, I’m sorry the past few days have been filled with discourteous people. You aren’t wrong on any of these points. Especially ordering and hanging out when the restaurant has clearly displayed closing hours.

    BTW, my old neighbors were 5 party animals who named their wi-fi…pimpin palace. The walls would vibrate until 2 or 4 am most weekends. I tried knocking and asking them to politely turn it down since I needed to sleep. They cranked it higher. I ended up writing letters to my building management. It was a miserable situation.

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