Daily Archives: December 19, 2012

And Then Everybody Died: Top Ten Ways The World Will End

Turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse. –Riley FinnBuffy the Vampire Slayer, season 4 episode “A New Man

(By the way, it’s apocalypses.)

I was curious, because people have different ideas about what the end of the world connotes. Here’s the definition:


  1. The complete final destruction of the world, esp. as described in the biblical book of Revelation.
  2. An event involving destruction or damage on an awesome or catastrophic scale.

(Source: Google)

Eee-hee-hee, it says lips.

Be it by meteor or aliens or Justin Bieber, there are as many ways to trigger an apocalypse as there are ways to look snazzy doing it. (I’m looking at you, Bruce Willis.)

The apocalypse can bring many things, things like giant, 0-Kelvin-proof timberwolves and the worst parenting skills known to humankind. (Now I’m looking at you, John Cusack.) But what’s going to cause it? There are plenty of exciting options to explore no matter which school of apocalyptic thought you adhere to!

Schools of Apocalyptic Thought

1. The world ends. EVERYBODY DIES.

2. The world is changed so vastly that it ends up unrecognizable. At some point Andrew Lincoln shows up and looks hot.

Whichever blows solar wind up your skirt, the world’s gotta change somehow. Here are some the top ways to end the world.

Free image via morguefile.com!

10. FIRE

Aside from the obvious Ow Factor, this would just be inconvenient. The world could start raining fire. Or the sun could prematurely erm…supernova and incinerate the entire planet before we have a chance to slather on the SPF. Revelation says this could happen. It happened in Left Behind, which I’m ever-so-slightly sheepish to admit I’ve read.

Though if Revelation really comes to pass, I suspect we’ll have worse things to worry about. What do you wear to meet the devil? Is he really going to want to kick our asses when we’re just the humanoid buffoons who got everything wrong and got on the wrong side of the big guy? I reckon most of us will just settle for kicking back a brewski with ole Lucifer when the pearly gates hit us in the arse on the way out.

Yes, I’m blasphemous. It happens when you worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster. (And may his noodly appendages bless you, Ramen.)

Free image via morguefile.com!

9. Volcanoes

Growing up in Big Sky Country, all Montana kids eventually learned about the possibility that the Yellowstone geothermal activity would result in the creation of a massive supervolcano that would destroy THE WORLD. And Tommy Lee Jones made a movie, too.

This supermassive monster volcano featured large in 2012, a movie which would inspire pro-apocalyptic feelings in any human who carved the 158 minutes out of her life to watch it, never to get those minutes back again. It also lent the film to some of the worst examples of parenting I think I’ve ever seen. Really, John Cusack? You bring your kids when you get the lava-brained idea to get a closer look at a volcano that’s about to rip a Wyoming-sized crater in the western United States? Really?

I swear. If you ever need examples of How Not To Parent, watch a disaster movie.

Okay, so that’s not a meteor. You try finding a picture of one.

8. Meteor

Mmm. Deep Impact. Armageddon. Mmm. Bruce Willis.

If it was good enough for the dinosaurs, it’s good enough for us. There are plenty of giant rocks hurtling about through space that would save us humans the pesky problem of trying to wipe ourselves out. As diligently as we try, an ill-placed, ill-timed comet would be so effective.

And hey, the cockroaches would probably survive.

Deep Impact also had the most egalitarian response to rescuing people, I believe. They had a lottery in which they selected social security numbers at random, which I thought was rather nice when you compare it to 2012‘s repugnant “Only the Billionaires Shall Live” mantra.

I need to change the subject before I get miffed.

Hollywood Welcomes You

7. Water

With the rate the ice caps are leaving polar bears to swim for their lives, we could very well end up fighting Kevin Costner for his wee dingy and having to commune with dolphins for a living.

This apocalypse would suck for anyone who gets seasick.

Hello, my baby, hello, my honey….hello, my rag time gaaaaaaal!

6. Dinosaurs

We’ve cloned sheep. We’ve cloned dogs. It’s only a matter of time before the technology moves beyond prolonging a relationship with Fido and onto “Dino DNA!”

You’ve seen Jurassic Park, because it’s only the best movie ever. So you know this world will see a John Hammond someday, and then you’ll spend the rest of your sorry existence looking for velociraptors in the bushes and screaming.

Sure, he looks friendly enough. But then he’ll rip out your guts.

5. Robots

It really sucks that time travel into the past is impossible, because we won’t have John Connor to save us when the former Governator comes knocking in his leathers. And if the terminators can’t convince you, read Robopocalypse by Daniel H. Wilson. He’ll set you straight.

The point is that our stupid technology is going to turn on us. So don’t blame me when your iPhone creates its own app to kill you in your sleep.

And by the way, remember the name of that bestselling book, because Steven Spielberg is directing the movie, set for release in 2014.

You can’t see it, but it’s going to kill you. And everybody else.

4. Outbreak

That’s the title of the movie that scared the bejeezus out of me as an eleven-year-old. Someone coughs, and then all of the sudden people start bleeding from their eyeballs and frothing green slime from their mouths.


Everybody dead.

Finding the magic monkey won’t stop it. If this happens, we’ll all stink up the planet with our carcasses.

Look cute? Wait thirty years.

3. This Kid

I’m sure Adolf Hitler was a cute baby, too. Call me a cynic, but all it takes is one cute baby turning into a maladjusted, rejected painter to murder six million people or so — and humans have gotten a lot more efficient at killing each other in the last seventy years.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. And be a good parent for the sake of the gods and the other seven billion people on this planet. Driving your kids into a volcano? Not the best way to create well-adjusted self-esteem.

Get it? Get it?!?!

2. Zombies

You don’t need to read Cracked.com religiously to know a zombie apocalypse could totally happen. In my opinion, it’s one of the more likely candidates for Earth’s doom (or at least, humankind’s doom.) The nice thing about this apocalypse is that you can prepare for it now!

Whether they’re the rage-filled fast zombies or the slow, lumbery zombies, this apocalypse would be among the more smelly. You try living in a world populated by reanimated, decomposing human flesh. Bring Glade. Bring lots of Glade.

Whatever catastrophe sparks the apocalypse, from fire to volcanoes to John Cusack’s parenting skills, I’m inclined to believe that we’ll go out something like this:

1. Blow Ourselves Up

We humans have a fetish with blowing each other to bits. Humans have killed more humans than any other threat ever. That includes dinosaurs. And zombies.

Before you start singing that nostalgic Lit song about us being our own worst enemy, remember that of all the apocalypses, this is probably the most preventable. Like cavities. We just need to, erm…floss. Metaphorically speaking.

So we’ll be fine. Everyone flosses, right?

The Earth is definitely doomed.

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