All I Need to Know About Sex, I Learned From Buffy
This is actually a guest post I wrote for Kristin McFarland about a year ago, but I thought it would be fun to share with you today! Yes, I know we talked Buffy and sex a couple weeks ago, but this one is funner.
In an America where people think a slap on the wrist and a vehement “don’t do that!” is enough to deter teens from sexperimentation, I have a better route for you, and I learned it from my favorite Slayer and her pals.
The best thing about urban fantasy is how it tells human stories from a supernatural lens. Today we’re going to center the microscope right over the sexy just to make sure you never have sex ever. Ever ever ever.
1. Sleeping with someone isn’t the best way to keep them from clawing people to pieces.
So Oz was the solo werewolf for a whole season until Veruca came along. Never mind that her name is a kind of wart. Never mind also how she slithers around a microphone as if she wishes it were a heavily secured pole in the floor. As if that wasn’t enough to make us cringe, she’s got her eyes on Oz. If you’re anything like me, this little subplot had your head banging on a table or a wall as you watched Oz stick his foot in his mouth and follow it with his leg up to the knee.
When he finds out she’s the werewolf that’s been taking bites out of the general populace, what does he do? Go tell Buffy the Vampire Slayer who could beat some sense (or some silver) into her? Tell his girlfriend of a year who clearly fears Veruca’s wolfy wiles?
Oz locks himself in a cage with Veruca and decides to bone the trouble out of her.
Sleeping with the enemy doesn’t fix relationships. In fact, when your lovely girlfriend happens by to let your out of your cage with coffee and donuts the next morning only to find you in the buff with said enemy, it’s safe to say your relationship is ruined.
And sex is bad.
2. You might think she’s inviting you over for some ropey hijinks, but she’s just a demon who wants to use your blood to let loose a sea of primordial vampires.
Xander meets Lissa while she’s trying to buy rope, asks her to coffee, and ends up suspended from a big old rack in the school basement while she sticks him with pointy objects to get his blood to open the Seal of Danzalthar.
Oh yeah — she ties him up with the rope he helped her choose.
Even if she says she only wants to use it to suspend her kayak from the ceiling of her garage, if your name is Xander Harris, you should know by now that she’s a demon who wants to kill you. If every woman save one in your dating history is a demon, it’s probably a good idea to look for patterns when you meet someone new.
Besides, sex on the first date leads to bondage and dangling.
3. There is such a thing as too much sex.
In the romance novels, all men are stevedores in bed and the women have the endurance of a Kenyan distance runner. You might think no one notices how you and your new honey sneak off to “look over your psych papers,” but you just succeed in making everything awkward for everyone else. Pretty soon they’ll be chopping off their own hair, feeling up walls, and seeing ghosts. For realsies. It’s serious.
Buffy and Riley are flush with the bloom of new lust. Just one little touch makes them go kablooey. And it just so happens that Riley’s frat-military secret ops house has a repressed sexual past — so when they start doin’ it full time, the house gets a little too into it, using it to feed off of their desire until it kills them.
You can sex yourself to death. Sex will be the death of you! It will unleash a jungle in your home! It will kill everyone you love, or at least stab them through the hand with creeper vines!
TEH SEKS IS BAD!
4. If you have sex with your boyfriend, he will lose his soul and go evil. And he will try to kill you and everyone you love. He’ll also say really mean things to you.
Buffy and Angel started falling in love in season one. In season two, things started to heat up big time. Big drama, big love, big danger — it all added up to one word: RAWR. When Spike and Drusilla’s minions start creating a jigsaw destroyer demon called The Judge and ambush Angel and Buffy in order to get his arm, both Buffy and Angel get a little wet. Ahem.
When he takes her back to his place, it turns from just getting her warm after a dunk in the drink to some serious lovemaking.
All’s peachy until Buffy wakes up alone in Angel’s bed, and Angel himself has gone and gotten a happy — which causes him to lose his soul, turn evil, and get murdery. Talk about a bummer of a first time.
Men are evil. They might seem nice until you go to bed with them, but they won’t be there in the morning, and they might turn into an evil stalker that strings up your best friend’s goldfish and kills perfectly nice computer teachers.
Better to just stay celibate.
Sex is bad.
Move over, abstinence-only education, because if you’re in need of a great new curriculum, look no further! Just get Netflix and stream some Buffy into your classroom.
In all seriousness, I don’t think Joss really hates sex in spite of the pervasive “sex is bad” theme throughout the show. Looking into the crater of Sunnydale, I think all he really meant to say is that sex has consequences, and it’s something best approached with maturity.
Um…maturity. I’ll look into that.
Housekeeping note: Due to me heading out for a conference on Friday and prepping a manuscript for betas, this is the last post of the week. I’ll be back Monday with our final Buffyversary post!
Posted on April 2, 2013, in 16th Buffyversary and tagged Angel, Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffyversary, emmie mears, Hellmouth, lessons from Buffy, Riley, sex, Sunnydale, Xander Harris. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.