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Loan Sharks and Kitten Poker

Joss: "We're going to need kittens today. Lots of kittens."

Joss: “We’re going to need kittens today. Lots of kittens.”

Howdy, folks! Welcome back to the Hellmouth! Today we’re getting silly and talking about season six episode Life Serial. But mostly, I just  wanted an excuse to post a bunch of pictures of kittens.

For most people, there comes the occasional day where you just need to get drunk and relax. Play a game of cards. Maybe win a few bucks off your bro.

Imagine you’ve had a rough day.

You’ve had a few drinks with your peroxide-y pal.

LifeSerial1And he leads you into the back room of the bar, only for you to see this:

KittenPoker3

 

First of all, KITTENS!

Second, wait, what?

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Ante up!

 

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall in that meeting.

“So there’s a bunch of demons sitting around a card table.”

“Money on the table?”

“Nope, they wouldn’t play for money.”

“……..Then what are they playing for?”

“Wait for it…..”

“Waiting.”

“…….KITTENS!”

“…..Kittens.”

“We’re gonna need lots of kittens. Cute ones! Little ginger ones! TINY KITTENS.”

“Joss. Dude. You want to round up a bunch of kittens for a demon card game?”

“Yes.”

“…But what do the demons do to the kittens?”

KittenPoker5

 

“AW COME ON!”

“Relax. No one’s really going to eat the kittens.”

“Promise?”

“Of COURSE.”

It probably went something like that.

And let’s not forget this guy who turned up a few episodes la

TabulaRasa1

 

“I’m talkin’ bout the forty Siamese you owe me.”

Get it? HE’S A LOAN SHARK.

I’ll leave you with some zen-like wisdom from the loan shark:

Time, time, time. Time is what turns kittens into cats.

 

Well said, loan shark. Well said.

And because I can:

DawnSummersKitteh

 

Happy Thursday!

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All I Need to Know About Sex, I Learned From Buffy

This is actually a guest post I wrote for Kristin McFarland about a year ago, but I thought it would be fun to share with you today! Yes, I know we talked Buffy and sex a couple weeks ago, but this one is funner. 

Beware.

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In an America where people think a slap on the wrist and a vehement “don’t do that!” is enough to deter teens from sexperimentation, I have a better route for you, and I learned it from my favorite Slayer and her pals.

The best thing about urban fantasy is how it tells human stories from a supernatural lens. Today we’re going to center the microscope right over the sexy just to make sure you never have sex ever. Ever ever ever.

 

Bad Oz! Not only is she an evil werewolf, but she has a tattoo that looks like a bone. How tacky is that?

 

1. Sleeping with someone isn’t the best way to keep them from clawing people to pieces.

The Sitch

So Oz was the solo werewolf for a whole season until Veruca came along. Never mind that her name is a kind of wart. Never mind also how she slithers around a microphone as if she wishes it were a heavily secured pole in the floor. As if that wasn’t enough to make us cringe, she’s got her eyes on Oz. If you’re anything like me, this little subplot had your head banging on a table or a wall as you watched Oz stick his foot in his mouth and follow it with his leg up to the knee.

When he finds out she’s the werewolf that’s been taking bites out of the general populace, what does he do? Go tell Buffy the Vampire Slayer who could beat some sense (or some silver) into her? Tell his girlfriend of a year who clearly fears Veruca’s wolfy wiles?

Noooope.

Oz locks himself in a cage with Veruca and decides to bone the trouble out of her.

The Lesson

Sleeping with the enemy doesn’t fix relationships. In fact, when your lovely girlfriend happens by to let your out of your cage with coffee and donuts the next morning only to find you in the buff with said enemy, it’s safe to say your relationship is ruined.

And sex is bad.

 

And you thought your first date ended badly.

2. You might think she’s inviting you over for some ropey hijinks, but she’s just a demon who wants to use your blood to let loose a sea of primordial vampires.

The Sitch

Xander meets Lissa while she’s trying to buy rope, asks her to coffee, and ends up suspended from a big old rack in the school basement while she sticks him with pointy objects to get his blood to open the Seal of Danzalthar.

Oh yeah — she ties him up with the rope he helped her choose.

D’oh.

The Lesson

Even if she says she only wants to use it to suspend her kayak from the ceiling of her garage, if your name is Xander Harris, you should know by now that she’s a demon who wants to kill you. If every woman save one in your dating history is a demon, it’s probably a good idea to look for patterns when you meet someone new.

Besides, sex on the first date leads to bondage and dangling.

 

You might think too much sex sounds fun…

 

3. There is such a thing as too much sex.

In the romance novels, all men are stevedores in bed and the women have the endurance of a Kenyan distance runner. You might think no one notices how you and your new honey sneak off to “look over your psych papers,” but you just succeed in making everything awkward for everyone else. Pretty soon they’ll be chopping off their own hair, feeling up walls, and seeing ghosts. For realsies. It’s serious.

 

…but really, everyone around you sees this. And it attacks them.

The Sitch

Buffy and Riley are flush with the bloom of new lust. Just one little touch makes them go kablooey. And it just so happens that Riley’s frat-military secret ops house has a repressed sexual past — so when they start doin’ it full time, the house gets a little too into it, using it to feed off of their desire until it kills them.

The Lesson

You can sex yourself to death. Sex will be the death of you! It will unleash a jungle in your home! It will kill everyone you love, or at least stab them through the hand with creeper vines!

TEH SEKS IS BAD!

 

Never have sex.

 

4. If you have sex with your boyfriend, he will lose his soul and go evil. And he will try to kill you and everyone you love. He’ll also say really mean things to you.

The Sitch

Buffy and Angel started falling in love in season one. In season two, things started to heat up big time. Big drama, big love, big danger — it all added up to one word: RAWR. When Spike and Drusilla’s minions start creating a jigsaw destroyer demon called The Judge and ambush Angel and Buffy in order to get his arm, both Buffy and Angel get a little wet. Ahem.

When he takes her back to his place, it turns from just getting her warm after a dunk in the drink to some serious lovemaking.

All’s peachy until Buffy wakes up alone in Angel’s bed, and Angel himself has gone and gotten a happy — which causes him to lose his soul, turn evil, and get murdery. Talk about a bummer of a first time.

The Lesson

Men are evil. They might seem nice until you go to bed with them, but they won’t be there in the morning, and they might turn into an evil stalker that strings up your best friend’s goldfish and kills perfectly nice computer teachers.

Better to just stay celibate.

Sex is bad.

Move over, abstinence-only education, because if you’re in need of a great new curriculum, look no further! Just get Netflix and stream some Buffy into your classroom.

In all seriousness, I don’t think Joss really hates sex in spite of the pervasive “sex is bad” theme throughout the show. Looking into the crater of Sunnydale, I think all he really meant to say is that sex has consequences, and it’s something best approached with maturity.

Um…maturity. I’ll look into that.

 Housekeeping note: Due to me heading out for a conference on Friday and prepping a manuscript for betas, this is the last post of the week. I’ll be back Monday with our final Buffyversary post!

Buffy Episode Cage Match: Hush vs. Once More With Feeling

*Pulls mic down*

Good afternoon, gentle viewers, and welcome to the Buffy the Vampire Slayer cooltext973824439

In the blue corner, from season four. This contestant brings darkness. It brings a classically scored soundtrack. It’s got a chilling little singing girl and ambiguous hand gestures! Full of smiling creepers and goons in straitjackets, I give you….

Hush1

 

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Can’t even shout; can’t even cry.

The Gentlemen are coming by.

They’re tapping on windows; they’re knocking on doors.

They need to take seven, and they might take yours.

Can’t call to Mom; can’t say a word.

You’re gonna die screaming, but you won’t be heard.

How’s THAT for creepy, folks?

Xander thinks the Gentlemen want boobies, Tara’s in danger, and Riley and Buffy get outed. When their voices return, will they be able to break the silence?

*Crowd goes wild!*

Iiiiin the red corner, from season five! This contestant has all the moves — in fact, it can dance till it combusts! It’s got snazzy demons and creepy ventriloquist dolls! Full of songs and merriment, I give you….

OMWF1

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I touch the fire, and it freezes me.

I look into it, and it’s black.

Why can’t I feel?

My skin should crack and peel.

I want the fire back.

Did Dawn give birth to a pterodactyl? Is this all really caused by bunnies? Is it a retro-pastiche or more of a book number? WAS that fire hydrant movable, and HOW did they get the mustard out?

Mustard is moot when Sweet comes to town with his snazzy suit and snappy tap shoes, but will Buffy and the gang manage to move forward once they spill their secrets in song?

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…goes to HUSH with…….

Giles’ drawings!

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Hilarity. Offended Buffy. Ambiguous gestures. This scene has it all, including the above picture. OMWF takes this one on the chin!

But wait. OMWF is on the move, circling for the…

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RIGHT ON THE CREEPY SILVERY NOSE!

OMWF lands a punch, and that punch just lets it burn.

OMWF2

 

Ouch. That one’s gotta smart. Hush, you gonna take that?

Whoa! Hush stumbles to the side, and OMWF comes up on the flank to deliver…

cooltext973864294Is it…it is! OMWF has pulled out the big feels!

OMWF4

It’s the Standing reprise! And OMWF isn’t done!

OMWF3

 

It’s the epic major kiss between Spike and Buffy! Hush stumbles — will it be able to recover?

*Crowd falls silent*

The ring is quiet. Hush is bleeding green goo from the nose. OMWF draws breath to burst into song.

Wait. OMWF has turned its back on Hush, and there’s silver fire in Hush’s eyes.

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Hush4

 

BOOM. Hush delivers a brutal roundhouse kick to the back of the head!

OMWF is reeling toward the ropes!

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Hush5

 

Hush smashes at OMWF with Giles’ drawings again!

OMWF is on the ropes!

Hush flicks in for a quick move…

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Oh, no. This doesn’t look good for OMWF. It’s on the ropes now, holding onto slippery rubber, trying to stay upright.

But it looks like Hush is going in for the kill.

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Hush7POW.

3…..2…..1…..OMWF IS DOWN FOR THE COUNT!

OMWF explodes in a flurry of pink and blue zoomy glows! That’s it, folks!

*raises Hush’s arm* We have a cage match champion!

Hush takes this cage match!

*Cue theme music…*

 

Thanks to everyone who voted yesterday in the poll! You’re the ones who chose the winner of today’s cage match. I hope you had fun!

 

 

 

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